traumatized

i will never ever forget this day...my body still shivers every time i think about it..it never occurred to me that he can do such a thing...i just hope i wont dream about this every night... even thinking of my future with him scares me now...i wanna escape..but i dont know how...i wanna stop this but somehow it cant be stopped...i smoked 3 cigars today just to release the tension inside...shit....how could he....now every time he touches me..my body shivers..im soo traumatized.... imagine being grip soo hard and so many bad words thrown at your face while you're crying soo hard but still he doesnt care...shit...what a man...is he even a man or a monster...i just wish he can find a way to make me forget about all of this....he apologized and i accepted it but stll i cant find any reason to bring back my love for him...im scared...i wish this was just a nightmare...a really really bad nightmare...i wanna wake up....but its real...i cannot escape reality... :,(