"love is not a maybe thing"

i remembered the episode of the hills entitlted "love is not a maybe thing"..

Lauren and Heidi are having a relationship talk of their own. Lauren tells Heidi
that "love is not a maybe thing, " to which Heidi counters that there is a
difference between "loving someone and being absolutely in love with
someone."
When Lauren asks Heidi if she is absolutely in love, Heidi admits
that she is
not.

i remembered it because he asked me today if i love him..i said "yes"...then he asked me if i love him so much?...i dont know what to say...i thought about it.."i think so"...i dont know if im absolutely in love with him...i was..but now?..i think i feel this way because of what happened..because of our fight..i just want everything to change...but it's so hard to change especially when our minds are polluted by the negative things we do to each other..i want to change but he keeps track of everytime i get mad at him and keeps on reminding me about it...i mean how can i move on and change if you keep on reminding about those things that i did wrong..i already said sorry...damn..im so lost...i want to love him but he makes it hard to love him...its so hard to be absolutely in love with him...


i feel numb...